Restoration of a broken heart

Posted on

23 May 2014


Tan Meiling

I always had a problem sharing from my heart in public, or in larger group settings. If Jesus prompted me to do so, I would obey, but I would always feel very tense and my body would tremble noticeably. Because of that, it really hindered my ability to enjoy teaching and effectively connect with a crowd of people (and I work as an English teacher!). I thus concluded that I wasn’t meant to be a teacher, instead preferring to relate to people one-on-one.

When I went for my most recent session of issue-focused ministry under Restoring the Foundations at Petra Church, it gave me the breakthrough I’d been seeking.

During the session, I shared about my interaction with my parents: any time I went to my mother with something I had accomplished and was proud of, she would ignore all the positive aspects and instead focus on the 5% that was not good. From an early age, I did not receive any affirmation from my parents at all. I ended up forming the belief that I had to be perfect in order to be accepted and loved, and that any time I was under scrutiny, it meant that criticism and rejection would follow.

During the soul/spirit hurts portion of the ministry session, I asked God to bring me back to the starting point of my issue. He brought me back to a childhood memory of when my mother came home and was talking to me. She had been chatting about me with one of her colleagues, and telling him about my love for reading: I would spend hours with my nose in a book, going through the worlds of fantasy and adventure and imagining whole new worlds I could create in my own writing. Her colleague commented that he thought I was taking “big steps.” After that, my mother felt very proud of me, and came home to tell me what her colleague had said. This was the last time she ever affirmed me. From then on, she pushed me to continually be someone she could be proud of, fixating on the little bit that was wrong so that I could become better. It was from there that I learned — wrongly — that in order to earn affection, I had to perform perfectly.

As I asked Jesus to come into that memory and heal my heart, He showed me that every time I read a book or was absorbed in any task, He was right there with me and beaming with pride over me. He told me that it was not perfection or my labor that He desired; rather, He wanted my heart and the alignment of my heart with His as I loved Him and served others. He told me that He loves it whenever I express my desire to learn and write; it was He who created me with these desires, and He loved to see me enjoy the tasks I put my mind to. This gave me a lot of freedom and peace.

From then on, I noticed that there was a marked change whenever I shared in public, taught in front of a class, or testified of His goodness to my peers. I would no longer shake and tense up as I used to, and I felt much lighter. Things that seemed impossible in the past suddenly became possible – and it opened up the way for me to dream even bigger with God.

I am continually amazed at the way He leads me through this journey, and love it that I get to go on this adventure with Him and be a beloved child in His presence. Praise God!

Share on Facebook Back to Testimonies